Moulin Rouge 2
by Rose Anderson
Summary: The Atlanta Braves version of Moulin Rouge.
1. Sugar Sugar

Andruw Jones fell in love for the first time in his short but action-packed life on a golf course in Atlanta while perspiring profusely. To be more precise, he was appearing in a celebrity golf tournament for an Atlanta based charity benefiting inner-city children. There were two reasons he wasn't playing: one, it was the All-Star Break; two, his strikeout totals were astronomical while his batting average was declining.  
  
"Andruw, do you want a drink of water?" Javy Lopez inquired.  
  
Andruw, who was busy mopping the sweat off of his forehead, jumped slightly. "What did you say?" he asked, one brow raised slightly. His voice held a slight accent, reminiscent of his native Curaçao. In the background, the classic hit Sugar Sugar by the Archies floated from the karaoke station. Marcus Giles, the younger brother of Pittsburgh slugger Brian Giles, was singing a duet with his older brother:  
  
Sugar, ah honey honey  
  
You are my candy girl  
  
And you've got me wanting you.  
  
Honey, ah sugar sugar  
  
You are my candy girl  
  
And you've got me wanting you.  
  
I just can't believe the loveliness of loving you  
  
(I just can't believe it's true)  
  
I just can't believe the one to love this feeling to.  
  
(I just can't believe it's true)  
  
Ah sugar, ah honey honey  
  
You are my candy girl  
  
And you've got me wanting you.  
  
Ah honey, ah sugar sugar  
  
You are my candy girl  
  
And you've got me wanting you.  
  
When I kissed you, girl, I knew how sweet a kiss could be  
  
(I know how sweet a kiss can be)  
  
Like the summer sunshine pour your sweetness over me  
  
(Pour your sweetness over me)  
  
Sugar, pour a little sugar on it honey,  
  
Pour a little sugar on it baby  
  
I'm gonna make your life so sweet, yeah yeah yeah  
  
Pour a little sugar on it oh yeah  
  
Pour a little sugar on it honey,  
  
Pour a little sugar on it baby  
  
I'm gonna make your life so sweet, yeah yeah yeah  
  
Pour a little sugar on it honey.....  
  
Analy Lopez stumbled in her high heeled sandals and bumped her husband, splashing his water over his white polo shirt. "Sorry, Muffin," she cooed and nuzzled his neck.  
  
A bitter taste washed up in Andruw's mouth, a sour, rancid, jealous taste. "What are you doing here?" he snapped rudely, then stopped in shock. "Why am I doing this?" he thought, confused. "I'm sorry, Analy," he blurted. "I don't know what came over me!"  
  
"I don't either," Analy retorted snidely while Brian sang in the background:  
  
Ah sugar  
  
(Marcus chirps:) Bah-Bah BAH Bah Bah-Bah  
  
(Brian:) Ah honey honey  
  
You are my candy girl  
  
And you've got me wanting you.  
  
Oh honey, honey, sugar sugar..........  
  
You are my candy girl........  
  
"Analy, my Chiquita banana, why don't we go listen to the karaoke?" Javy suggested tactfully, leading his wife by the elbow and shooting one last glare at Andruw.  
  
Andruw stood alone, his cheeks burning in shame, then noticed that his eyes were on the same level as Javy's shapely buns. "Ahh!" he exclaimed. "What's wrong with me?" Ever since he had that illegitimate child with a stripper, he had been acting strangely. Specifically, he suspected that he might not be heterosexual. 


	2. Javy Lopezlade

While Andruw took batting practice on the last day of spring training, the Atlanta Aces watched him from the bullpen. Tom Glavine remarked, "You know, that Andruw's been acting kind of strange lately."  
  
"Really?" demanded Greg Maddux, making faces--he claimed they stretched his face muscles--and picking at his wedgie. "I hadn't noticed."  
  
"Figures," muttered Tom.  
  
"What?" Greg chuckled, pointing to something. "Look! A squirrel!"  
  
"I know what you're saying," John Smoltz mused, stroking his greying beard. "Not hitting so good, is he?"  
  
Just then, Javy Lopez walked out to the batting cage and said something to Andruw with a friendly smile. Andruw began to laugh, his face lighting up. "Ohhh!" exclaimed John and Tom in unison.  
  
"What? I don't get it!" Greg interrupted, confused. "What are you oh-ing about?"  
  
"We know what's wrong with Jones," John announced smugly.  
  
"What? What's wrong with Chipper now? I thought he already got divorced," Greg babbled, then sighed in exasperation. "I'm lost."  
  
John rolled his eyes and began to sing:  
  
(Smoltz:) Where's all mah soul homies, Lemme hear ya'll flow homies,  
  
(Glavine:) Hey Javy, go Javy, soul Javy, flow Javy, Hey Javy, go Javy, soul Javy, go Javy  
  
He met Javy L down in old Turner Field  
  
Struttin' his stuff in the cage  
  
He said, "Hello, hey JLO, you wanna give it a go?"  
  
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey) Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here  
  
Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea) Creole Javy Lopezlade....  
  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Voulez vous coucher avec moi?  
  
(Smoltz:) yea yea yea yea  
  
(Glavine:) He sat on the bench while Javy warmed up  
  
Boy drank all that Lime Gatorade  
  
On his warm up jacket is where he started to freak yeah  
  
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (da-da-da) Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here ohooh yea yeah) Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea) Creole Javy Lopezlade....  
  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)? Voulez vous coucher avec moi?  
  
(Smoltz:) He come through with the glove and the batting bag  
  
J let him know he had a wife straight up the gate uh  
  
He's an independent man, some mistake him for Ks  
  
I'm sayin', why be straight when I can be gay  
  
Disagree? Well that's you and I'm sorry, Imma keep playing this cat out like Atari  
  
Wear ideal cleats get love from the fans  
  
One bad ass center fielder from the Curacaoan dump  
  
Hey homies, soul homies, betta get Javy's dough homies  
  
He drinks booze with #8s in the glass by the case the meaning of Hispanic taste if you wanna Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya Mocha Chocalata ya ya? Creole Javy Lopezlade  
  
One more time C'mon now  
  
Javylade......oh baby Javylade! Javylade!  
  
(Maddux, just now getting it:) hey Hey Hey!  
  
Touch of his skin feeling waxed and smooth color of Andruw's untanned butt alright  
  
Made the savage bat inside miss until he cried, 1, 2, 3, you're out!  
  
(Glavine:) Now he's back home doin' 9 to 5  
  
Sleepin' the tan flannel life  
  
(Maddux:) But when he turns off to sleep memories creep, 1, 2, 3, 45678  
  
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (da daeaea yea) Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (ooh) Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea) Creole Javy Lopezlade  
  
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir) Voulez vous coucher avec moi (all my homies yea) Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir) Voulez vous coucher avec moi (C'Mon! uh)  
  
(Cox:) Greg Maddux...(oh Leaeaa Oh)  
  
Tom Glavine... (Lady Marmalade)  
  
John Smoltz...(hey Hey! uh uh uh uh...)  
  
Leo...(Oh Oh oooo)  
  
Rot wailer baby...(baby)  
  
Moulin Rouge... (Oh)  
  
Bobby Cox here...  
  
Spaniard Javy Lopezlade! 


	3. The Anniversary Party

"Your ball, Andruw!" Analy shouted.  
  
"I got it!" Andruw called, swinging his arms wildly at the ball and missing completely. Volleyball was not one of his talents.  
  
Analy sighed and rolled her eyes. "Here, Andruw, you stand over there," she directed, pointing to the far corner. This was her and Javy's anniversary party; she was supposed to be having fun. "Try getting underneath the ball. If you can't, I'll just cover you."  
  
Javy ducked underneath the net and pulled off his sunglasses. "Let me give you a little pointer," he suggested amiably. "Stand with your legs shoulder width apart, like this." Andruw couldn't help but glance at Javy's legs, his tanned and muscular legs in his short trunks. "Yeah, like I'm doing!" Javy said encouragingly.  
  
"Thanks," Andruw stuttered, staring dreamily at Javy's straight white teeth. Javy was undoubtedly preppy and clean cut, but Andruw had discovered that his type was pretty-boy.  
  
"Don't worry, it's just a game," Javy reminded him, giving him a friendly catcher-style butt pat and jogging underneath the net again.  
  
"Easy for you to say!" shouted Mike Piazza. "He's not on your team!"  
  
"He is during baseball!" Jimmy Rollins chortled.  
  
"Come on guys, he's got a better stick than you do!" Gary Sheffield snarled.  
  
Mike and Jimmy, whose dipping batting averages were sore points with them, shut their mouths and glared at Andruw. Immediately on the next play, Jimmy tried to spike the ball right at Andruw, but Rick Ankiel rushed in front of him and made the play. "Thanks, Dick," Andruw said with much relief.  
  
"Actually, I go by Rick," commented Rick, "but thanks."  
  
Javy served the ball directly to Gary Sheffield on the next possession, who set the ball over to Andruw. "Spike it!" he shouted.  
  
In slow motion, Andruw jumped, drew his arm back, made a fist, and mercifully made contact with the volleyball. Unfortunately, the ball went straight at Javy's face. "Muffin!" screamed Analy, racing over.  
  
Gary covered his face to muffle his laughter. "Hey, man, don't worry about your little boner," he muttered. "Analy's just a little psychotic bitch. You catch more balls on a daily basis than she's ever caught."  
  
Javy was already brushing off his overanxious wife. "It's okay, Analy," he assured her repeatedly. "Look, no blood. My head's harder than you think."  
  
"Here's to the volleyball spiking champ!" shouted Mike. "We should erect a statue in his honor!"  
  
"Get off his case!" Gary ordered.  
  
"Geez, Sheffield, you're awful testy today," laughed Jimmy.  
  
Javy closed his eyes briefly and suggested, "Why don't we go inside and eat?"  
  
"What are we having to eat?" Vinny Castilla demanded.  
  
"Tacos with appetizers," replied Analy, suddenly the perfect hostess.  
  
"What kind of appetizers?" Vinny wondered, his stomach growling.  
  
"Cheese sticks, salad, jalapeno poppers, nachos, cocktail weiners, chips, and fruit," Javy listed.  
  
"Let's go!" Kevin Millwood urged. Gary, Vinny, and Andruw followed him enthusiastically into the kitchen with the others close behind.  
  
"Got any buns for these?" Mike asked with his mouth full of hot dog.  
  
"Javy's got some," Analy giggled, putting her hands on her husband's butt.  
  
"Damn straight," Andruw added without thinking.  
  
The entire room grew silent. Even Gary and Vinny, who were longtime lovers even before they were teammates, stared in shock. "I can't believe he said that at Javy's anniversary!" thought Gary in surprise.  
  
"Damn straight you're gay, that is!" Rick joked. The only other noises in the room were that of Marcus Giles spewing his Diet Coke and that of Brian Giles spitting out his cocktail weiner.  
  
"Rick, shut up," snapped Gary, who had little patience for obnoxious people like Rick who thought they were funny.  
  
"Andruw didn't mean it that way," Vinny chimed in and tactfully changing the subject, asked, "So, Analy, where's Heather and Cassandra?"  
  
"We left them with Javy's parents," replied an uncomfortable Analy. "They were in town."  
  
"How old are they?"  
  
"Nine and seven."  
  
"Don't you have a daughter, Andruw?" Mike demanded. "I thought I read about that stripper suing you for child support."  
  
Andruw thought angrily, "Why does the all the bad stuff happen to me?" Out loud, he stammered, "Well, yeah. That was a big mistake."  
  
"Your daughter's a mistake?" Analy exclaimed, disgustedly. "What a horrible thing to say!"  
  
"Just because it's your anniversary doesn't mean you can be a bitch," Andruw pouted mentally. Instead, he explained quickly, "No, I mean the stripper. Madison lights up my life."  
  
Analy's frown relaxed. "Good."  
  
"Speaking of Madison, I need to pick her up from the babysitter's soon," Andruw lied. "Thanks for inviting me. I had a good time. Happy anniversary."  
  
As he was almost sprinting out of the door, Javy came jogging after him. "Andruw! Wait up!" he called.  
  
Andruw twirled around at the sound of that musical voice. "What?" he giggled and blushed.  
  
"You forgot your sunglasses," Javy replied, slightly out of breath, and handed him the sunglasses. "And don't let what happened tonight get you down. I know you were just joking."  
  
"Th-thanks," Andruw stuttered, slightly disappointed, and walked out to his new silver Porsche with tears stinging his eyes. 


	4. Diamond Dogs

Bobby Cox and Terry Pendleton sat next to each other, heads leaning in. "How's Andruw coming?" Bobby muttered.  
  
Terry sucked in his breath. "I think he might be having problems at home," he said, "because boy does he suck right now!"  
  
Andruw, sitting at the far end of the bench, tried not to listen. Fortunately, he had his mind on other things--Javy was talking to Rafael Furcal by the Gatorade cooler. Currently, Javy and his daughter Madison were the only things keeping him sane. His average was down to .169 while he was on pace for a 100-plus strikeout season. Suddenly, the crowd began to cheer and Javy sprinted out to the field along with Rafael and all the other starters. Not Andruw. For the first time in his career, he was being benched.  
  
"Hey, Andruw!" Greg called cheerfully, sitting down next to him. "You have a daughter, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Andruw replied dully, wishing Greg would disappear or magically turn into Javy.  
  
"Maybe you can help me with mine, then."  
  
"I thought you only had one daughter, Amanda."  
  
"Nope. I had an affair with a woman in Illinois named Susan. We had two daughters, Morgan and Brooke, but they thought their dad was Susie's husband. They won't accept me!" Greg declared sadly.  
  
"I can see why," Andruw grumbled to himself.  
  
"Hey!" Greg exclaimed, insulted. "I thought you were going to help me! Besides, you and Chipper have had affairs. Aren't you experts?"  
  
"I only had one affair!" Chipper shouted in self-defense as the Braves defense jogged off the field.  
  
"Oops!" chuckled Greg. " 'Mi bad."  
  
Everyone in the dugout groaned and looked away except for Henry Blanco, who laughed. "Greg, you crack me up," Henry announced.  
  
"Good thing I'm not an egg," Greg observed in his goofy voice, which made Henry burst into more laughter.  
  
"If you were, we could fry you on the sidewalk," added an always hungry Kevin Millwood.  
  
Andruw sank his face into his hands and didn't look up until a friendly tap on the shoulder broke him out of his depression. Vinny, who was also in a prolonged slump, said, "Cheer up, Andruw. It's not healthy to obsess over one person for too long."  
  
"It's bad enough being on the bench," Andruw confessed in shame, "but when I have to put up with Javy and his stupid wife--" He broke off and stared at Javy's retreating butt as the Braves returned to the field.  
  
"I know what you mean about being on the bench," Gary complained, sitting on Andruw's other side. From behind his back, he produced a bass guitar and broke out into song:  
  
(Gary:) As they pulled you off of the pitchers mound You asked for the lime gatorade  
  
(With Vinny:) With your runners on and your inch thick blister Just like a minor leaguer you was, Keith Lockhart slump you're in  
  
Slouching in the dugout with your face in your hands, I'm sure you're not a pitcher  
  
For it's plain to see  
  
Diamond Dogs are bench warmers And they chow sunflower seeds Hunt you to the shower they will, Minor leaguers that never play  
  
(Vinny:) Will they play?  
  
(Gary:) They keep their fingers crossed  
  
(Vinny:) Will they play?  
  
(Gary:) Oh, Franco, pinch hit for me  
  
(Vinny:) Will they play?  
  
(Gary:) Well, he's struckout and gone  
  
(Together:) Come out of the dugout, Blanco You'll keep your slump on the bench Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs  
  
(Gary:) In the year of the Phillies Season of the Mets Piazza on the basepads Hurry to the bullpen Just another future ace Lonely little Smoltz There's gonna be losses Try and win one for tomorrow  
  
(Vinny:) The October team has a real good bat, And they pitch so well in no hitter style The fastball broke So Lockhart's down on strikes Onto the bench below Oh Keithy, go man, go  
  
(Vinny:) Will they play?  
  
(Gary:) They keep their fingers crossed  
  
(Vinny:) Will they play?  
  
(Gary:) Oh, Franco, pinch hit for me  
  
(Vinny:) Will they play?  
  
(Gary:) Well, he's struckout and gone  
  
(Together:) Come out of the dugout, Blanco You'll keep your slump on the bench Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs  
  
(Vinny pulls out a battery-powered keyboard and performs "the solo")  
  
Andruw grinned after the song was over. "Thanks, guys. I needed that." 


	5. Your Song & I Think I'm In Love

The next day, Andruw didn't even care that he was benched (the pitcher threw a lot of off-speed pitches, which baffled Andruw). Unfortunately, the mood in the dugout was gloomy. Javy wore a dark scowl, making his eyebrows resemble Ken Caminiti's unibrow, and kicked several batting helmets. While the top of the Braves order batted, the bullpen phone rang and Javy answered it. "Hello?" he snapped. "What do you want now?"  
  
Gary motioned for Andruw to run into the clubhouse, where yet another phone line went to the bullpen. "You never pay attention to what I need!" cried Analy.  
  
"Bitch," thought Andruw at the same time Javy shouted, "You're such a needy bitch! Would you shut up for once? It was my fucking anniversary too!"  
  
"Oh no, I hope I didn't get Javy in trouble!" Andruw panicked.  
  
"I was hoping for a private night!" Analy snapped. "Couldn't you have sent those no good moochers home?"  
  
"Rick couldn't get a hotel room that late at night!" Javy countered.  
  
"Don't tell me Marcus and Brian couldn't have gone back to Marcus's apartment!" Analy shouted.  
  
"Why didn't you bring this up earlier?" demanded Javy.  
  
"I did, but you never listen to me!" Analy sobbed.  
  
"It's hard trying to be with the girls and you while making a living!"  
  
"Well, maybe you should just quit!" Analy screamed, slamming the phone down.  
  
"God, I hate that bitch," Javy muttered angrily into the phone and hung up.  
  
Andruw released the exultant laughter that had been building up inside of him for the entire phone call. As he returned to the dugout, he sang to himself. Gary, still nursing a sore hamstring, looked up. "What's with the good mood?" he inquired.  
  
"There's trouble in paradise," Andruw announced smugly, watching the Braves defense turn a routine double play to end the inning.  
  
"Oh," Gary replied knowingly. "Maybe today's your day, slugger."  
  
"My horoscope did say to take advantage of opportunities," Andruw said dubiously, watching Javy walk into the batter's box. With a huge smile and not caring if anyone heard him, he sang:  
  
My crush is Javy and he's one hot dog  
  
And you can tell everybody  
  
That Javy's hot  
  
It maybe quite simple but now that it's public  
  
Hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I told all the press  
  
How wonderful your butt is now you're on my team...  
  
Sat on the bench and I got rid of BJ  
  
Well some of the pickup lines well they, they got you P.Oed  
  
But Bobby's been kind by making us roomies  
  
All it takes is you to keep me turned on...  
  
So excuse me for not showering but these things I do  
  
When I've forgotten if I'm a guy or a girl  
  
Anyway the thing is what I really love you  
  
Yours is the tightest ass I've ever grabbed!  
  
(Marcus:) Bah Bah Bah Bah. Bah Bah Bah Bah. Bah Bah Bah Bah. Bah Bah Bah Bah Bah Bah Bah Bah Baaahhhh!  
  
And you can tell everybody you're a hottie  
  
It may be challenging, but now that I'm out  
  
I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I told all the press  
  
How wonderful life is now you're on my team  
  
I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I told the public...  
  
How wonderful life is now you're on my team!  
  
As he finished, Bobby Cox turned to him. "Andruw, you're pinch- hitting for Millwood. Go take your warmup swings."  
  
Andruw, still filled with love for Javy, swung his bat confidently and connected with a satisfying thwack. The ball sailed into the Atlanta sky and Andruw pumped his fist as he rounded the bases, watching his two- run homer give the Braves the lead.  
  
Javy was waiting for him with the rest of the team at the dugout steps. "Good job!" he said encouragingly, patting Andruw's butt.  
  
"Today is the day," he told Gary happily, who grinned back.  
  
"Project J's staying late for 'batting practice,' " Vinny added significantly. "I think it's because of the Bitch. So maybe you should too!"  
  
"Good idea," Andruw replied, flexing his muscles.  
  
The Braves ended up winning that game 7-6 with John picking up a nerve-racking save. "Smoltzie, do you always have to let guys on base like that?" demanded Leo, rocking nervously.  
  
Andruw, being excited about his big chance, hadn't been nervous at all. "Great game, guys!" he shouted, high-fiving everyone. "Terry, I think I'll stay after for some extra batting practice," he announced.  
  
"Then you and Javy can work together," Terry replied enthusiastically. "Teamwork's what it's all about, guys. Gotta work together. Cooperation's the key. Sacrifice yourself and your time for the good of the team."  
  
"Shut up," muttered Damian Moss, slouching as he left the dugout.  
  
Soon, Andruw and Javy were the only ones left. "Let's head over to the batting cages," suggested Javy.  
  
"Good idea," replied Andruw tenderly. If Javy had suggested that they go on a bank robbing spree, he would have said the same thing in the same voice.  
  
Terry, bouncing around brightly, exclaimed, "Why don't we put on some jammin' music!"  
  
"Okay," Javy said, trying out a lighter bat.  
  
"Come on, Javy, you're strong enough to use a heavier bat," Andruw remarked flirtatiously.  
  
"You think so?" Javy asked, completely oblivious to Andruw's tone. Terry switched off the hard rock station (Chipper Jones' favorite station) and put it on a pop music one. "That's my daughter's favorite song," Javy remarked.  
  
The deejay was introducing Jessica Simpson's "I Think I'm In Love." Andruw sat down to watch Javy take some swings while Terry went to order a pizza. "I'm tired of hiding my feelings," thought Andruw and, trying to hint at his emotions, began to sing:  
  
Yeah, Oh  
  
I'm in love  
  
Every time you're near baby  
  
I get kinda crazy in my head for you  
  
And I don't know what to do  
  
And oh baby  
  
I get kinda shaky when they mention you  
  
I just lose my cool  
  
My friends tell me  
  
Something has come over me  
  
And I think I know what it is  
  
I think I'm in love  
  
CHORUS  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you  
  
Got me doing silly things when it comes to you (in love)  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you (boy I think I'm in love)  
  
I've been telling all of my friends what I feel for you  
  
Just the other night baby  
  
I saw you hanging  
  
You were with your crew  
  
I was with mine too  
  
You took me by surprise  
  
When you turned and looked me in my eyes  
  
Boy you really blew my mind  
  
I don't know what's gotten into me  
  
But I kinda think I know what it is  
  
I think I'm in love  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you (in love)  
  
Got me doing silly things when it comes to you (I'm in Love)  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you (I'm in love)  
  
I've been telling all my friends what I feel for you  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you  
  
I've been telling all of my friends what I feel for you  
  
Javy looked at him, slightly confused, but Andruw sang on:  
  
Something strange has come over me  
  
Got me going out of my mind  
  
Never met a guy like you before  
  
You make me feel special inside  
  
I think I'm in love --- Boy Yeah  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you  
  
Got me doing silly things when it comes to you (I think I'm in love)  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you (in love with you)  
  
I've been telling all of my friends what I feel for you (with you)  
  
(See I, Oh I'm in love with you)  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you  
  
Got me doing silly things when it comes to you (Going outta my mind boy)  
  
Boy I think that I'm in love with you ( I think I'm in love)  
  
I've been telling all of my friends what I feel for you  
  
Baby that's why you call my name  
  
You're driving me insane  
  
Doing silly things for you  
  
I don't know what to do 


	6. Sluggers Love Medley

As Andruw finished, Javy put down his bat. "You know, speaking of Heather, I think she has a, uh, dance recital soon--"  
  
"Wait," Andruw begged.  
  
By now, Javy had realized what the Atlanta Aces learned so long ago: Andruw Jones was madly in love with him, a straight married family man. "What?" he asked warily. He wasn't a homophobic man by nature, but discovering that your coworker has a crush on you is somewhat surprising.  
  
"I know you and Analy are having issues," Andruw began.  
  
"That doesn't mean I'm, uh.......available," Javy interrupted hastily.  
  
"Just give me a chance!" begged Andruw. "I love you!"  
  
"I just see you as a friend," Javy replied, trying to be gentle.  
  
"But this love is special!" argued Andruw.  
  
"My love for Analy is special. So is my love for my daughters and parents. But we can only be friends," Javy insisted. "And if you keep doing this, then it might ruin our friendship."  
  
"But I love you!"  
  
"It's not love--"  
  
(Andruw:) Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!  
  
(Javy:) Please don't start that again  
  
(Andruw:) All you need is love  
  
(Javy, leaving batting cage:) A guy has got to practice  
  
(Andruw, following:) All you need is love  
  
(Javy:) He'll end up on the bench  
  
(Andruw:) All you need is love  
  
(Javy:) Baseball's a better game  
  
(Andruw, jazz dancing:) I was made for loving you baby! You were made for loving me!  
  
(Javy:) The only person to love me, Andruw, Is my sweetheart Analy  
  
(Andruw, begging:) Just one roadtrip, Give me just one game  
  
(Javy, pushing him away:) There's no way, cause I'm not gay  
  
(Andruw, encouraged:) In the name of love, One night in the name of love  
  
(Javy, rubbing temples:) You crazy fool. Analy won't give me to you!  
  
(Andruw, down on one knee:) Don't leave me this way! I can't survive without your sweet ass! Oh baby don't leave me with BJ!  
  
(Javy, hands in warmup jacket:) You think that people would have enough of your silly strikeouts.  
  
(Andruw, jogging backwards and gesturing towards fence:) I look around me and I see Chipper hit one out, oh no  
  
(Javy:) Some pitchers wanna fill their lines with your strikeouts  
  
(Andruw:) Well, what's wrong with that, I'd like to know! Cause here I go.....  
  
(Terry Pendleton from batting cage:) Striiiike out!  
  
(Andruw, doing cartwheel and backflip:) Love lifts us up where we belong! Where homeruns fly Over bleachers high  
  
(Javy, shaking head and leaving:) Love makes us act like we are fools, Swing our bats around, For the third strikeout!  
  
(Andruw, chasing him in center field:) We can be Chipper, Just for one day!  
  
(Javy, pointing:) You, you will strikeout  
  
(Andruw with hand motions:) No I won't!  
  
(Javy, making disgusted gestures:) And I, I'll whiff all the time  
  
(Andruw, running and leaping:) We should be lovers!  
  
(Javy, crossing arms:) I can't be gay.  
  
(Andruw:) We should be lovers, And that's the way!  
  
(Javy, stomping:) Analy will keep me with her!  
  
(Andruw, smiling:) We could shoot her--  
  
(Javy, angry:) With you in the way.  
  
(Andruw & Javy, opera-style:) We can be sluggers, forever and ever! We can be sluggers, forever and ever! We can be sluggers.....  
  
(Andruw, smirking:) Just because I will always love your ass!  
  
(Javy, muttering to himself:) It's hard being beautiful.  
  
(Andruw & Javy:) How wonderful life was  
  
(Javy, frowning:) But you're in the world.  
  
(Andruw, dreamily smiling at Javy:) Now you're in the world!  
  
Terry Pendleton stomped out to the two. "I thought you two were here to work!" he thundered. "But you're just screwing around! It's that kind of selfish attitude that rips a team apart!" Andruw made gestures for Javy to leave, which Javy did gladly while feeling bad for Andruw.  
  
"Are you listening to me?" demanded Terry suddenly. "Hey, where's Javy?"  
  
Andruw used this distraction to run away and take refuge in his apartment with liquor to drown his sorrows. Fortunately, Madison was with her mother Jasmine.  
  
Meanwhile, Javy returned home to an empty home. "That's right," he thought, "Analy decided to take the kids to her parents'." When Analy returned, Javy greeted her with a bouquet of flowers. "You were right," he said.  
  
"About what?" she asked suspiciously.  
  
"About Andruw."  
  
"I knew there was something odd about that boy," Analy began.  
  
"Wait," Javy interrupted. "Listen to the whole story."  
  
After he was done, Analy sat with her mouth open. "I can't believe that asshole wanted to shoot me!" she declared indignantly.  
  
"That's nothing compared to what he wants to do with me!" Javy muttered.  
  
"Do you want me to ask John Schuerholz for a trade?" Analy offered, taking Javy's face in her hands.  
  
"Only if it gets really bad," Javy replied helplessly.  
  
"If it gets really bad?" echoed Analy. "Isn't it bad enough already?"  
  
"I still like him as a friend," Javy defended himself. "And I feel bad for him."  
  
Analy sighed, disgusted. "You're never going to get anywhere feeling sorry for people!" 


	7. Sparkling Bases & Come Who May

One hot August day, Gladys Caray (the broadcaster's wife) sang the seventh- inning stretch at Turner Field. It was the Cubs-Atlanta series, always a special one for the broadcaster Skip Caray because his son Chip was the announcer for the Cubs. At the bottom of the inning, Joe Simpson sat aside while Skip and his wife hogged the microphone. "So, Gladys," Skip began in his toady voice, "what's with the Braves hitters?"  
  
"Well, Skip, no one but Chipper's been getting it done. They keep walking him and Sheff can't come through with a big hit," Gladys replied.  
  
"That offseason trade of Odalis Perez and Brian Jordan for Sheff is looking pretty big now that Odalis is having so much success with the Dodgers," Skip rambled, much to the dismay of the listeners and viewers.  
  
Just then, Andruw led off the inning with a single off of Cubs starter Jason Bere. "There's a base hit for Andruw," Gladys remarked.  
  
"That's a big hit for Andruw. He's been struggling lately."  
  
"Let's get some runs for Jason Marquis," added Gladys, cutting off her husband.  
  
"Vinny Castilla, swinging at the first pitch, hits a ground ball up the middle, but Bobby Hill's got a beat on that. Four.....six......three. Double play. Two outs," Skip announced sadly.  
  
"Here's Javy Lopez, batting .211 on the season. This has been a disappointing year for Javy," Gladys remarked.  
  
"He's been struggling lately, hitting a lot of grounders and striking out," Skip butted in. "Braves fans were hoping for another season like 2000."  
  
"And he strikes out again on three straight. Bere's on his way to win number three on the year. One hit, no runs, none left," Gladys blurted. "Braves trail three to two."  
  
By the bottom of the ninth, the Cubs' lead had increased to three runs. "Five two your score," began Gladys, "and here's Julio Franco to pinch-hit for Hammond. Hammond worked one inning, two runs on four hits with one strikeout and no walks."  
  
"Well, this is where you really wish you had a pinch-hitter like Craig Wilson of the Pirates, who led the league with eight pinch-hit homers last year--"  
  
"Seven homers," corrected Joe Simpson, who hadn't been allowed to say anything since Gladys entered the booth.  
  
"The Braves had two men on with no men out, and then we had Rafael Furcal sacrifice, then Marcus hit a sac fly. Too bad Chipper's single couldn't score anyone. This is where the Braves have been struggling. We need a big hit here from Franco," Skip said, taking a huge breath.  
  
Gladys suddenly burst into song:  
  
(Gladys:) The Braves are glad to die for RBIs  
  
A hit in the gap may be quite continental  
  
But homers are a hitter's best friend  
  
A hit may be grand but it won't cancel the ks in your batting average  
  
Or help you woo your "hot" catcher  
  
Glavine grows old as batters get good  
  
And we all lose our changeups in the end  
  
But sinkers or high heat  
  
These pitches don't lose their spin  
  
Homers are a hitter's best friend  
  
...Sammy Sosa!...Barry Bonds!...  
  
Cause we are living in an offensive world  
  
And Andruw is striking out a lot (whiff) Aw  
  
Come and hit me, Andruw!  
  
Bobby Cox! Leo Mazzone!  
  
Talk to me, John Schuerholz, tell me all about it!  
  
There may come a time when a rally needs a double  
  
(Skip:) But homers are a hitter's best friend  
  
(Gladys:) There may come a time when a forkball pitcher  
  
Hits you in your ass  
  
But get that base or else--the mace  
  
He's your guy when counts are full  
  
But beware when they start coming inside  
  
Oooo....Homers are a hitter's best Homers are a hitter's best Homers are a hitter's best friend  
  
Let's make runs! Yes! Oh, come home Yes! Oh! Tigers! He's gonna score! Safe!  
  
(Skip:) Everything's going so well!  
  
(Gladys:) Cause that's when those Phillies go back to their Phanatic!  
  
Homers are a hitter's best friend!  
  
"Franco's battling the count well," Skip observed. "And he fouls off another pitch. Still three and two."  
  
Suddenly, the crowd groaned in unison as Franco swung and missed at ball four. "Flash Gordon earns his first save since coming back last week," Gladys spat.  
  
* * * * *  
  
On August 4, B.J. Surhoff threw a pizza party to celebrate his thirty- eighth birthday. Twenty-five team members came along with five coaches and eight other guests to make thirty-eight guests. "What did he do when he turned five?" muttered Andruw to Javy, who laughed.  
  
Andruw and Javy, who were hanging out with Rafael, Vinny, and Gary, went over to the tables and served themselves slices of pizza from the thirty-eight different pizzas. "Is there a theme going on here?" Andruw joked.  
  
Javy laughed, flashing his straight white teeth. "Could be," he replied sarcastically.  
  
Andruw flirted with Javy like this all night long; all night long, Javy didn't get it. While Andruw was telling yet another joke, Javy's cell phone rang. "Hello?" he said as he tried to catch the punch line.  
  
"Hi Muffin," cooed Analy. "You can stay as late as you want. My manicure took less time than I thought, so I'm getting the kids."  
  
"Sounds great," Javy replied as Andruw shouted the punch line and everyone laughed loudly.  
  
"Who was that I just heard?" she demanded.  
  
"You mean Andruw?" Javy replied stupidly.  
  
"I told you to stay away from him!" she hissed angrily.  
  
"Analy, we're friends," he informed her, irritated. "I can't just stop talking to him because he had a short crush on me. Haven't you ever had a crush on a friend that you really looked up to?"  
  
"No," retorted Analy, "and you can too stop talking to him! I told you once and I'll tell you again--stay away from him! Crushes last for a long time! Stop encouraging him!"  
  
"You can't avoid your teammate," Javy muttered, trying to prevent the nosy Rafael from eavesdropping.  
  
"Is that Analy?" Andruw asked, putting down his beer. "Let me talk to her."  
  
"I don't know if that's a good idea," began Javy.  
  
Andruw slipped the phone from Javy's hand, making sure to touch it frequently. "Hey Analy! Wassup?" he shouted.  
  
"I was fine," she snapped.  
  
"Hey Javy, don't be drinking my beer now!" Andruw joked, hand over the phone.  
  
"Javy's drinking?" Analy demanded.  
  
"Naw, I'm just joshin' with ya," Andruw chuckled.  
  
"Quit acting like a hillbilly," Analy ordered.  
  
"Hey everyone!" shouted Chipper. "It's time for B.J.'s present!"  
  
"Stay on the line, Analy! You gotta hear the present! I helped pick it out!" Andruw told her, slightly tipsy, and walked towards the gift.  
  
A huge cake sat in the center of the dining room and, predictably, a stripper jumped out and sang "Happy Birthday." B.J. grinned widely and began dancing with the bikini-clad girl to the next song--"Baby Got Back."  
  
"Was that a stripper I heard?" Analy yelled, her voice coming from the cellphone forgotten on the table.  
  
"I gotta go," Andruw shouted.  
  
"Don't hang up! I gotta talk to Ja--" Analy's indignant cries were cut short by Andruw hanging up. "I'm gonna kill him!" she hissed to herself.  
  
Meanwhile, Andruw suggested to Javy, "Let's go outside and get some fresh air."  
  
"Good idea," said Javy, wiping sweat from his face.  
  
B.J. had reserved an expensive hotel for this party, so everyone felt free to drop food and be obnoxious. Javy and Andruw stood on the exquisite balcony overlooking a pool that looked like the ocean. "Having a good time?" Andruw asked sweetly.  
  
"Yeah, this is great!" Javy replied enthusiastically, not catching on to the true meaning.  
  
Andruw smiled and, inspired by the street musicians, began to sing:  
  
(Andruw:) Never knew I could feel like this  
  
Like I've never had a boner before  
  
I want to vanish inside your kiss  
  
Every day I'm loving you more and more  
  
Listen to my bat, can you hear it whiffs  
  
Telling me to swing at everything  
  
Seasons may change, off-season to playoffs  
  
But I love you until your contract ends  
  
Come who may, Come who may, I will love you, until my dying day  
  
As Andruw began to sing, Javy slapped his own forehead. "Analy was right," he thought, upset. "She told me I wouldn't get anywhere being nice, so here comes heartbreak for Andruw. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind." He sang:  
  
(Javy:) Suddenly the world seems such a living hell  
  
Suddenly it moves with such a stupid swing  
  
Suddenly my life doesn't seem so well  
  
It all revolves around avoiding you  
  
And there's no boner so high  
  
No penis that wide  
  
Sing out this song and I'll be there by Analy's side  
  
Storm clouds may gather  
  
And rain delays may come out  
  
But I love Analy  
  
(Andruw:) But I love you  
  
(Javy:) Until the end of time  
  
(Javy:) Come what may, I'm not gay, I will hate you, until I turn that way  
  
(Together:) Oh, come who may, come who may  
  
(Andruw:) I will love you  
  
(Javy:) I will hate you  
  
Suddenly the world seems such a living hell  
  
(Javy:) Come what may, I'm not gay, I will hate you, until I turn that way  
  
Andruw stood still in shock after hearing those last lines. "You hate me?" he inquired softly.  
  
"I can't be gay," Javy replied somberly. "I want you to realize that and move on."  
  
Andruw closed his eyes for a second, then stormed off of the balcony. His entire night was ruined, and he left for home immediately.  
  
Javy watched him leave, then picked up his cellphone. "Analy? I'm coming home."  
  
"What's wrong, Muffin?" Analy demanded sympathetically.  
  
"Andruw--"  
  
"Come home right now," Analy whispered. "Come home and we'll talk." 


	8. Babysitting

For the next two weeks, Andruw was absolutely miserable and his playing showed it. He misjudged fly balls, struck out, and spent most of his time staring off into space. One afternoon, after being picked off first base by a smug Mike Piazza, he slumped on the bench and tried to pretend that he didn't mind being ignored. Then he heard some news that perked him up: Rafael, the club gossip, was talking to Greg Maddux about Javy. Greg, who had always hated Javy, was laughing. "Serves him right," he chuckled. "I'm having some problems with Susie, but I still don't feel sorry for him."  
  
Andruw's ears perked up and he pretended to be asleep. "His wife is a bitch," agreed Rafael, "but Javy seems to love her. Don't know why."  
  
"So why are they fighting?" Greg asked curiously.  
  
"Javy says Analy's too controlling and mean," Rafael explained. "Mean to other people, not Javy."  
  
"Oh," Greg replied, disappointed; he was hoping to hear that Analy had attacked Javy several times like Tawny Kitaen and Chuck Finley.  
  
Andruw caught his breath. "Now is my big chance," he thought excitedly. When Javy returned to the dugout later, he began chatting pleasantly with him. At first, Javy was reluctant; however, he was soon laughing and friendly to Andruw again.  
  
One day, Javy asked Gary and Vinny, "Could you guys babysit my kids tonight? It's my father-in-law's birthday and I'm stuck going out to dinner too late for the kids to come along."  
  
"What a coincidence," Vinny lied, "it's also my brother-in-law's birthday. We're going to that party. Sorry."  
  
"Maybe Andruw could, though. You know, his daughter's the same age, isn't she?" suggested Gary slyly.  
  
"Good idea!" exclaimed a relieved Javy. "Andruw, are you free tonight?"  
  
Andruw, thinking Javy was about to ask him on a date, replied happily, "Oh, definitely? Why?"  
  
"I need a babysitter last minute and Analy doesn't like hiring strangers," Javy explained, giving Andruw a sad puppy-dog look.  
  
Andruw's heart melted. "Sure. Madison's with her mother, though, so it'll just be me and your girls," he replied, trying to hide his disappointment.  
  
"Great!" chirped Javy. "Analy? I got a sitter!" he shouted that night, hugging his wife. "And it's not a stranger?"  
  
"Who is it?" gasped Analy.  
  
"Andruw."  
  
"Andruw?" she repeated in a growl. "As in Jones?"  
  
"Yep!" Javy answered, ignoring her evil glare.  
  
Suddenly, Analy had an idea--"This must be hell on Andruw, being so close but so far from Javy. What better way to torture the man than to let him see what a wonderful life he had with a woman?" she thought cruelly. Out loud, she said sweetly, "Well, that's great, Muffin!"  
  
"Really?" Javy asked, surprised. "Then I'll start getting ready!"  
  
Andruw arrived at 7:00 that night (he was a half hour early) and met Analy at the door. "Hello, Andruw," she greeted him politely. "Come on in."  
  
"Hi Analy," he replied warily.  
  
"These are the girls," she said, pulling them in front of her. "Heather is nine and Cassandra is seven. Girls, meet Andruw."  
  
"Are you the guy that Mommy hates?" asked Cassandra.  
  
"No," Analy replied quickly. "That's a different Andruw. That's Andruw Johnson."  
  
Heather simply stared at Andruw. "How late can we stay up?"  
  
"As late as you--"  
  
"8:30, girls, it's a school night," Analy interrupted. "The numbers are on the fridge." She lectured him for five minutes on the rules, then called, "Javy, Muffin, are you ready?"  
  
"I can't tie my tie," he called back, coming downstairs without a shirt. "Hi, Andruw."  
  
"Girls, you can go to your rooms," Analy said as Andruw stared at Javy's chest. "Here you go, Muffin."  
  
"Thanks," he replied, leaving the room. "I'm almost ready."  
  
Andruw only got one more glimpse of Javy before they left, as Javy bent over to pick up a Barbie. "Give this to Heather, would you?"  
  
"Sure," Andruw replied, taking it gently from Javy's hand.  
  
Analy saw and frowned, but kept her smile plastered on her face. "Thanks again, Andruw, for doing this on such short notice," she sighed patronizingly. "Let's go, Muffin."  
  
"See you girls. Bye, Andruw," Javy said as Analy pulls him out of the house.  
  
Analy's mask disappeared as she climbed into the car. "God, I hate him!"  
  
Meanwhile, Andruw stood facing the Lopez sisters. "What do you want to do, girls?" he asked timidly.  
  
"Let's play Barbies," suggested Heather.  
  
"You can be the ugly witch Barbie," Cassandra added.  
  
"Why don't we play video games?" Andruw said.  
  
"Okay," shrugged the girls. "Our favorite is Baseball 2001."  
  
"Cool!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Mom said we can drink pop in the living room," Heather lied.  
  
"I'll go get some while you set up the game," Andruw told them, digging through the fridge. "Where do your parents keep the beer?"  
  
"Mom doesn't let Dad drink any beer," Cassandra replied.  
  
"You're kidding, right?"  
  
"Nope, cross my heart and hope to die," Cassandra insisted.  
  
Andruw swore underneath his breath. "What was that?" Heather demanded. "That wasn't English, was it?"  
  
"No," Andruw muttered, embarrassed at being heard.  
  
"That wasn't Spanish, either."  
  
"Do you girls speak Spanish?"  
  
"No, but when Mom and Dad don't want us to know what they're saying, they speak Spanish," Heather explained.  
  
"It's not fair," Cassandra added. "What language were you speaking?"  
  
"Papiamentu."  
  
"What?" Cassandra demanded.  
  
"That's a made up language," Heather accused.  
  
"No, it's not. We speak it back in Curaçao," Andruw told them.  
  
"A made up place," Heather said skeptically.  
  
"It's not made up!" he argued.  
  
"Then teach us bad words in it," Heather ordered.  
  
Andruw shrugged. "Okay." For the next hour, they played video games and swore in Papiamentu.  
  
Finally, the girls got tired of playing the game seriously. "Let's see who can make the worst team!" shouted Cassandra.  
  
"I get first pick!" Heather announced. "I want Andruw Jones!" She selected her players and proceeded to make him strike out. "This is what people say you do all the time," she said as the Andruw character swung and missed three straight times.  
  
Andruw tried to select Javy, but Cassandra grabbed the control out of his hand. "Quit picking Daddy!" she shouted. "You picked him every time! Besides, he's good and we're making bad teams!"  
  
"He's stupid," whispered Heather loudly.  
  
"No, I'm not!" Andruw argued and called her a name in Papiamentu.  
  
"Cool!" the girls laughed.  
  
Andruw chose Mike Piazza and Jimmy Rollins for part of his loser team. After a while, the girls got bored and decided they wanted to bake cookies. "I don't know how to cook."  
  
"What do you eat?" Cassandra demanded.  
  
"I have a cook," Andruw explained proudly.  
  
Heather and Cassandra made a huge mess in the kitchen and played games with the blender before Andruw suggested that they watch T.V. After cleaning up the mess, he found them watching "Dog Eat Dog." Taking the remote, he suggested, "Why don't you watch the Weather Channel?"  
  
"No, we're gonna watch 'Titanic,' " Heather informed him.  
  
"Okay," he shrugged, never having seen the movie.  
  
After the first half hour, Cassandra grabbed the remote. "Let's fast forward to the car scene," she said.  
  
"Oh, have you see this movie before?" Andruw asked, returning from snooping in the bathroom.  
  
"Yeah," Heather said, "we watched it with Matt."  
  
"Who's Matt?"  
  
"He was our old babysitter."  
  
"What happened to him?"  
  
"Mom fired him."  
  
"Why?" Andruw asked nervously.  
  
"Because he let us watch this," Heather explained, pointing to the T.V.  
  
Andruw's eyes bugged out and he frantically pressed the stop button. "Why don't you girls," he began, then the phone rang.  
  
"Hi, Andruw," Analy sang. "How's everything going?"  
  
"Good, the girls are in bed," he lied, suddenly noticing that it was midnight.  
  
"I hate this show," Heather complained.  
  
"Don't change it!" Cassandra whined.  
  
"Is that the girls I hear?" Analy demanded.  
  
"No, it's the T.V.," Andruw lied quickly. "I'm next to it."  
  
"Oh good. I don't want them getting tired," Analy replied. "Well, I just wanted to make sure everything's okay. Sometimes they can be a handful. Javy and I are coming home soon, so hopefully you'll be home before one."  
  
Andruw panicked. "Okay, great, see ya, bye," he rambled and hung up abruptly. "Girls, get to bed, now!" he ordered.  
  
"But--"  
  
"Your parents are coming home soon!" he said urgently.  
  
"So?" Heather spat defiantly.  
  
"I won't be able to babysit you again if your parents catch us," he pointed out.  
  
For the first time all night, they listened to him. "Hurry, Heather!" Cassandra shouted, running into the bathroom.  
  
"You don't have to brush your teeth if you don't want," Andruw added, trying to hurry them along.  
  
Within ten minutes, the girls were asleep. Andruw took this time to snoop through Javy's house, especially his bedroom. He tried to tell by smelling which pillow was Javy's, but unfortunately the pillows had just been washed and smelled like laundry detergent. He even went so far as to take a picture of Javy from a photo album he found. "Hope they have a double somewhere," he thought nonchalantly.  
  
He barely had time to sit innocently on the couch before Analy and Javy returned home. "Here you go, Andruw," Analy said, pressing money into his hand.  
  
"See you tomorrow," Javy added, yawning, and headed directly to the bedroom. 


	9. Torres

"I think I know how to get him back," Andruw whispered to Vinny as they watched Javy bat while Gary stood at second base.  
  
"Really?" Vinny asked excitedly. "How?"  
  
"Well, I've been working to convince him that I'm over him," Andruw began, "and I've heard rumors about the marriage again."  
  
"Again?" interrupted Greg. "Yes! I hate that man," he muttered. "Susie and I are going great."  
  
"Greg?" Tom said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nobody cares."  
  
"I care!"  
  
"You're in the minority," Tom informed him.  
  
"You're just jealous," accused Greg.  
  
"I actually have a real wife at least."  
  
"Oh shut up!" Greg exclaimed, embarrassed, walking away to sit on the other side of the bench, next to the Diamond Dogs.  
  
"Anyway," Andruw continued after giving Greg a strange look, "we're taking extra batting practice tonight and to make him feel really secure, I'm going to tell him about my new boyfriend."  
  
"Oh, a 'new boyfriend,' " Vinny replied, nodding encouragingly.  
  
"Then after his marriage breaks up, I'll be there for him and soon, he'll be there for me," Andruw finished hopefully.  
  
"Good luck, slugger," Vinny laughed.  
  
Smoltz saved the game with minimal problems and Andruw headed out to the cages with Javy. Bobby and Leo, having nothing else to do, hung around the field near the third base line. Leo wore the angry baseball mask that Bobby gave him for his birthday while Bobby played "Happy Birthday To You" on his fiddle.  
  
Meanwhile, Analy panicked as she waited a half hour after the game for Javy to return home. She had forgotten that Javy was staying after for extra batting practice. "Where is he?" she wondered frantically, suddenly remembering that her defenseless husband was near the sinister Andruw. Grabbing the car keys, she called the former babysitter Matt and bribed him with extra money to watch the girls on short notice. The girls were extraordinarily pleased because Matt brought along some PG-13 movies for their amusement.  
  
Andruw and Javy turned on the stereo but left it down low as they chatted. "So how's the marriage?" Andruw asked sympathetically.  
  
"Fine," Javy replied guardedly.  
  
"Javy, don't worry," Andruw insisted. "I told you, it's over. Besides, I met someone a few weeks ago."  
  
"Oh really?" Javy demanded happily. "What's his name?"  
  
"Alex," lied Andruw. "We met at a pool party. He's a big swimmer, very athletic."  
  
Javy's grin was enormous. "Well, that's great!" he exclaimed. "I'm really happy for you. I'd like to meet him sometime."  
  
Quickly, Andruw blurted, "Oh, he's a big Mets fan. I don't think--"  
  
Laughing, Javy gave Andruw a playful shove. "Come on, Andruw! I can keep my job and personal life separate. I won't try and convert him to a Braves fan."  
  
While he talked, Analy marched through the dugout and into the batting cages. "What's going on?" she bellowed, seeing Javy's hand on Andruw's arm.  
  
Bobby began to play a simple melody on his fiddle as he observed the tensions mount. Leo patiently waited for an appropriate entrance, then began to belt:  
  
Will hit you!  
  
Will hit you!  
  
Will hit you!  
  
OUT!  
  
TORRES!  
  
You don't have to put on those tight pants  
  
Run the bases for money  
  
You don't care if Andruw's wrong or if he is right  
  
TORRES!  
  
You don't have to wear that mask tonight  
  
TORRES!  
  
You don't have to leave the Braves from fright  
  
(Analy, standing between Andruw and Javy:) His eyes upon your ass  
  
His hand upon your knee  
  
His bats caress your ball  
  
IT'S MORE THAN I CAN GRASP!  
  
(Leo sings Torres in the background while Analy keeps singing:)  
  
Analy:  
  
Why does my spouse cry?  
  
(Leo:) TORRES!  
  
(Analy:) Harassment I can't fight!  
  
You're free to leave him butt  
  
Just don't encourage him!  
  
And please believe me when I say  
  
I'll shoot him!  
  
(Silence.)  
  
(Javy, rushing over to Analy and whispering:) Ma chere femme, je vous adorerai toujours. Souvenez Andruw, il est bete et qui ne veut rien. Je le deteste et j'espere qu'il meurt. Vous et moi, nous le tuerons. Et vous, mon amour, vous ete tres sexie. Avons des rapports sexuelles avec nous!  
  
(Leo:) TORRES!  
  
You don't have to put on those tight pants!  
  
TORRES!  
  
You don't have to wear that mask tonight  
  
TORRES!  
  
You don't have to put on those tight pants  
  
TORRES!  
  
You don't have to wear that mask tonight!  
  
TORRES!  
  
TORRES!  
  
TORRES!  
  
TORRES!  
  
(At the same time, Analy sings:) Why does my spouse cry?  
  
Harassment I can't fight!  
  
TORRES!  
  
TORRES!  
  
I love you! I love you!  
  
I love you! I love you!  
  
When the song was over, Andruw stood frozen in shock, then spun around and left Javy Lopez for good. His daughter Madison greeted him at the door of their apartment. "Hi Daddy," she said happily, hugging him. Then she backed off. "You smell," she blurted tactlessly.  
  
Andruw blushed. "Well, some of the guys on the team don't let me shower because they don't like me," he explained, thinking of Javy with rage. "Why don't we watch some T.V.?" he suggested.  
  
"ESPN!" shouted Madison, jumping on the couch.  
  
Andruw took off his shoes and relaxed by watching the golf highlights. Then, his peaceful evening was disrupted by one of the announcers stating, "This just in--more trade rumors are circulating about catcher Javy Lopez of the Braves. While Javy is having a little bit of a down year, Braves officials declined to comment on if the rumors are true and why."  
  
Andruw gritted his teeth and said, "I think I'll take a shower now."  
  
Meanwhile, Analy and Javy were sitting in John Schuerholz's office and discussing the possibility of a trade. "Javy, you're one of the best offensive catchers," John argued. "Maybe not the best defensive catcher, but still--"  
  
"You're not one of the best general managers!" interrupted a furious Analy. "Look at that shitty center fielder you drafted!"  
  
"Hey lady, he wasn't drafted," John snapped.  
  
"Who cares?" Analy cried, throwing up her hands. "But that brings me to our point. Right, Javy?"  
  
Javy had been sitting in silence for the past few minutes. Now, he responded with a brusque, "Right."  
  
"You're not going to let this control freak woman tell your story, are you?" demanded John. "Let me hear your reasons, Javy, and then we'll go from there."  
  
Javy sighed. "Well, Andruw and I used to be friends. Then he developed this crush on me and I told him more than once I wasn't interested. Now, things are pretty weird."  
  
John sighed. "Is it affecting your play and his play?" he asked.  
  
"Just look at their stats!" Analy broke in, unable to contain herself any longer. "No wonder Javy has those passed balls and throwing errors! When the center fielder can't keep his eyes off you--"  
  
"Sshh, Analy," murmured Javy.  
  
"Let me see what teams are interested," John relented, leaving the room and making several phone calls. Once, he stuck his head out to ask, "Are there any teams you don't want to play for?"  
  
"Any Eastern teams," Analy replied for Javy. "Even the A.L. ones. They're too close. Same for the Texas teams or Canadian teams. I hate Canada."  
  
John refrained from observing that both Canadian teams were in the Eastern divisions of their respective leagues. "I'll be back in just a second." Analy paced the office like it was her own until John returned. "How do the Cubs sound? Todd Hundley just--"  
  
"I don't care!" shouted Analy. "Make the goddamn trade and get this over with!"  
  
John rubbed his temples and talked on the phone for another five minutes before emerging with a scowl. "You're unofficially a Chicago Cub now, Javy," he announced.  
  
"Who'd we get in return?" Javy inquired.  
  
"Who cares?" Analy retorted dismissively. "Let's pack and get the hell out of Atlanta. So long, Schuerholz." 


	10. One Day I'll Stop Being Gay

Andruw dreaded the game the next day because he couldn't stand to look at Javy. He brought along the picture he stole from the Lopez house, planning on returning it secretly by slipping it into Javy's locker. When he got there, Javy's locker was empty and Steve Torrealba was dragging a duffel bag and walking towards Javy's locker. "What are you doing?" Andruw demanded.  
  
Steve glared at him; he was a minor league catcher who was constantly brought up and sent back down weeks later. "I've been promoted again, and I don't want to hear the stupid jokes!" he snapped.  
  
"But why?" Andruw persisted, confused.  
  
Vinny rushed into the locker room. "Andruw! I've been looking all over for you!" he panted. "Javy's been traded!"  
  
"What?" shrieked Andruw, going as pale as a Curacaoan can.  
  
"He's been sent to the Cubs in exchange for Mark Bellhorn and Scott Chiasson. And a first round draft pick," Vinny explained gently. "Andruw, I'm so sorry--"  
  
"Just leave me," Andruw ordered through clenched teeth. "You too, Torrealba."  
  
Steve glared at him before being prodded out by Vinny. Andruw collapsed onto the floor next to Javy's locker and pulled out the picture of Javy. Quietly, Bobby Cox snuck in; he was still carrying his fiddle. Staring outside at the two new Braves and despising them already, Andruw could see Gary and Vinny laugh affectionately together. "I can't take this heartbreak much longer," he thought gloomily, beginning to sing of his pain, accompanied by Bobby's fiddle:  
  
I follow the guys  
  
Can't stand their wives  
  
When will I begin to shower again?  
  
One day I'll stop being gay  
  
Leave all this to the other Braves  
  
What more could your hate do for me  
  
When will love be kind to me  
  
Why live life from team to team  
  
And dread the day when trading begins  
  
One day I'll stop being gay  
  
Leave all this to the other Braves  
  
Why live life from team to team  
  
And dread the day when trading begins  
  
One day I'll stop being gay  
  
Stop...being....gay  
  
* * * * *  
  
For the next few weeks, Andruw lost much of his focus and spiraled even further downwards. His attitude worsened when he arrived at Turner Field to see the Cubs as their opponents. "Why didn't anyone warn me?" he wondered angrily, heading through the locker room and into the dugout.  
  
Rain was pouring down onto the field, but Andruw didn't care. He stood behind the batter's box, where the catcher would normally squat. Pulling out his now-worn picture of Javy, he stared at it as tears rolled down his cheeks. Chipper Jones, observing from a distance, leaned over the dugout railing to watch.  
  
Andruw whispered to himself, "This story is about love. The catcher I lo--loved was traded."  
  
Chipper felt inspired and began to sing:  
  
There was a boy  
  
A very hot  
  
Attractive boy  
  
They say he defended  
  
Very well, very well  
  
Against New York and Philly  
  
A little tan and tight of ass  
  
But cold-hearted was he  
  
And then one day  
  
One magic day  
  
He played my team  
  
While we spoke  
  
Of many themes  
  
Ropes and laserbeams  
  
This he said to me  
  
"The greatest thing  
  
That happened to me  
  
Was just to fade and  
  
Be traded in return."  
  
Andruw noticed Javy laughing with Jon Lieber (the Cubs' starting pitcher) and whispered, "I love you." Of course, Javy neither heard him nor noticed him. Finally, the rain stopped and Andruw took his place on the field with the rest of the Braves. Fortunately, no fly balls were hit to Andruw as he stared into the Cubs' dugout--Javy batted sixth in the order.  
  
Remembering his recent struggles, Andruw dreaded his at-bat; however, like all bad things, it eventually arrived. As he took his practice swings, his attention was suddenly drawn towards the third baseman. The sun broke through the clouds as Andruw's jaw dropped in awe. He couldn't describe it, but a wonderful feeling flowed through his veins, inspiring him to sing:  
  
(Andruw:) Never knew I could feel like this  
  
Like I never saw Javy Lopez before  
  
I want to be caught inside your glove  
  
Every pitch I love you more and more  
  
Listen to my swing, can you hear it connects  
  
Telling me to hit you every ground ball  
  
Third basemen may change, Chipper to Ken  
  
But I love you until the end of time  
  
Come who may, I am gay, I will love you until my dying day  
  
The object of his affection smiled back and sang an answering verse:  
  
(The third baseman:) Suddenly the pitch seems such a perfect strike  
  
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect spin  
  
(Together:) Suddenly my at-bat doesn't seem such a waste  
  
(The third baseman:) It all revolves around you  
  
(Together:) And there's no pitcher's mound too high  
  
No infield too wide  
  
Sing out this song and I'll be there in your dugout  
  
Storm clouds may gather  
  
But sparks will fly  
  
(Andruw:) But I love you  
  
(The third baseman:) I love you  
  
(Andruw:) Until the end....of....time  
  
(The third baseman:) Until the end of time  
  
(Together:) Come who may, I am gay, I will love you, until my dying day  
  
Oh, come who may, we are gay  
  
I will love you, I will love you  
  
(The third baseman:) Suddenly the pitch seems such a perfect strike  
  
(Together:) Come who may, we are gay, I will love you, until my dying day  
  
By now, the entire crowd as well as both teams were thoroughly confused and shocked. Analy, who attended mostly to protect Javy from Andruw, snapped, "Finally that gay guy found someone besides my Javy!"  
  
The people around her glared at her. "Honestly, lady, what's your problem with Andruw?" demanded a short woman with curly blonde hair.  
  
"Who died and made you boss?" Analy retorted.  
  
"Hey, I'm the girlfriend of the best pitcher ever. Your husband's just a washed up office boy who married way too early!" the woman came back.  
  
"Who's your boyfriend?" Analy asked, suddenly polite.  
  
"Greg Maddux. I'm Susan Wood."  
  
"I'm Analy Lopez," Analy replied with a friendly smile, shaking hands. "So how come I haven't met you before?"  
  
"It's a long story," Susan said, sighing. "I'll tell you later." 


	11. Happy Together

After the game ended, Andruw raced into the Cubs' locker room, ignoring an angry Analy who was guarding the entrance. The mysterious third baseman was waiting for him, or so it seemed. "Hi," Andruw said, a little bit breathless. "My name's Andruw."  
  
"I'm Bill," the third baseman replied with a shy smile. "Bill Mueller."  
  
"What the hell are you doing in here?" shouted a portly black man, staring at Andruw's Braves jersey.  
  
"Don, relax," Bill muttered. "We were never a couple. Don't play the jealous lover."  
  
"Well, I don't like this at all," Don grumbled, but left without saying anything else.  
  
Javy was standing across the room, fully dressed in his street clothes, but Andruw didn't even notice him. "It's nice to meet you, Bill," Andruw smiled.  
  
Bill grinned back. "Are you doing anything after the game?"  
  
"Not now," he joked. "I'll meet you in the lobby. I have to shower."  
  
Just then, Analy burst in. "Javy, you're safe now!" she cried.  
  
"What?" Javy asked, confused. "Andruw's nowhere near me."  
  
"Oh." Analy stood perfectly still in shock. "You mean--"  
  
"Javy," Andruw began, "I'm sorry for all I put you through. I'm over everything now." Digging into his pocket, he produced a picture. "Here. I stole this from a photo album at your house when I was babysitting your daughters."  
  
"Thanks," Javy said amiably. "Maybe if you're not busy tonight, we could go out for dinner--"  
  
"I'm busy," Andruw interrupted, "but thanks anyways."  
  
Analy demanded, "Why couldn't you have done all this before? Then we wouldn't have had to move! God, you make me sick!"  
  
Bill glared at Analy. "You make me sick!" he growled, standing up for Andruw.  
  
At that moment, Andruw knew it was love; at that moment, Javy knew it was time for a divorce. "Analy, that's it!" he exploded. "I'm so fucking tired of you getting on everyone's case and being so selfish! We're THROUGH!" Kicking her purse (which was sitting on the floor), he rampaged through the locker room.  
  
Analy's mouth dropped open, then she swore loudly as she picked up her purse and its spilled contents.  
  
"Let's go out for dinner now," Andruw suggested quietly, holding Bill's hand.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Andruw and Bill continued their relationship into the offseason. On Christmas Eve, Andruw came over to Bill's house to spend the night with plans to propose. Bill started a fire in the fireplace and they sat and chatted with Christmas music playing in the background.  
  
"Excuse me," Andruw cooed romantically. "I have to use the bathroom." Andruw walked down the hall but instead of going to the bathroom he went into Bill's room where the ring lay in his suitcase. When he returned to the living room, he playfully ordered, "Close your eyes!" Bill shut his eyes while Andruw slipped the ring onto Bill's finger. "Open!" grinned Andruw, then asked seriously, "Will you marry me?"  
  
A smile spread over Bill's face, then it disappeared. "Can we get married? Legally, I mean?"  
  
Andruw grinned widely. "Remember how I made that trip to Phoenix? Well, I was introducing a bill to legalize gay marriage. I did it because of you, Bill."  
  
"I love you, Andruw. And of course I'll marry you."  
  
"Let's get started on the guest list!" Andruw suggested, jumping up off of the couch. "Let's invite our entire teams!"  
  
"Except Don," Bill added with a laugh.  
  
The wedding was planned for February 27 in Mesa, Arizona--the site of the Cubs' spring training. Fortunately, the Braves had moved from Florida to Arizona as their spring training site so the wedding wasn't an inconvenience. While Andruw hung around the batting cage a few days before the wedding, Terry Pendleton approached him. "Hey, Andruw. You've been hitting much better lately," he remarked. "Must be that fiance of yours, huh?"  
  
"Yeah. I think that Javy's trade was the best thing for me," Andruw reflected. "So are you coming to the wedding?"  
  
"You betcha! I was just a little late on the RSVP." Terry hesitated, then asked meekly, "Uh, I just married this girl. Could I bring her to the wedding?"  
  
"Sure!" Andruw exclaimed, walking away so he could take outfield practice.  
  
"Wait! My new wife is--"  
  
"I don't care! You can bring her! I gotta go!" Andruw shouted, jogging away.  
  
"But--" Terry called, then stopped and shrugged. "Whatever."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Ten minutes before the ceremony, Andruw was pacing nervously back and forth. "I've never been so nervous before!" he muttered to Madison, who was skipping back and forth with her basket of flowers.  
  
"Me too," Madison replied happily. "What if I screw up?"  
  
"You're a flower girl. How can you screw up?" Andruw demanded. "Where's Javy? If he doesn't come, then I don't have a best man!"  
  
Javy arrived a few minutes later, out of breath. "Sorry," he gasped, "but we got lost on the way to Matt's house."  
  
"Who's Matt?" Madison wondered.  
  
"Our babysitter," explained Cassandra, followed by Heather. "After Andruw taught us those swear words, Mommy decided that Matt was a better babysitter."  
  
Andruw cringed in embarrassment while Javy chuckled. "Analy worries too much," he whispered to Andruw. Louder, he suggested, "Why don't you girls go sit down with Greg and his daughters?"  
  
"Which daughters?" Heather asked. "He has two sets."  
  
"All his kids are here," Javy replied. "Now go!"  
  
Andruw met Bill at the back of the church and together, they walked down the aisle. At the altar, Andruw's best men--Gary, Vinny, and Javy-- were waiting with Bill's best men--Todd Hundley and Jon Lieber were his best men. Also there was Andruw's former girlfriend Jasmine, the mother of Madison. A few weeks before the wedding, Bill had shocked Andruw by mentioning that he knew Jasmine and would like her to be one of his best men. Apparently, they had met in San Francisco while Bill was still a Giant (Jasmine had been their version of Morgana) and were still close friends.  
  
The ceremony went beautifully and the pictures went by quickly. Andruw and Bill were smiling and laughing as they entered the banquet hall only to come face to face with Analy. "What is she doing here?" Bill muttered angrily, not having forgiven her for cussing out Andruw.  
  
"I have no idea," Andruw remarked loudly, completely baffled.  
  
Then Terry Pendleton stepped forward. "Andruw, I tried to tell you," he said apologetically. "Analy and I are married now. You didn't wait to hear who I married, though."  
  
Surprisingly, Analy was quite polite. "Congratulations, Andruw and Bill!" she exclaimed brightly.  
  
Javy appeared behind Andruw as soon as Analy left. "I can't believe that woman is at the wedding!" he groaned.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Andruw insisted. "Relax. Meet women. Isn't that why people go to weddings?"  
  
"Or to meet men," Bill added, winking at Javy.  
  
"I think I'll stick to women," Javy replied tactfully, not realizing that Bill was trying to rile him up a little.  
  
"Hi Bill!" Jasmine sang, approaching the couple. Then she stopped dead in her tracks. "I don't believe I've met you," she cooed, looking at Javy.  
  
Javy grinned foolishly. "I'm Javy Lopez," he replied seductively in his most masculine voice, taking her hand and kissing it. "And you are....?"  
  
"Jasmine Van Horn, Andruw's ex-girlfriend and Bill's best woman," Jasmine giggled coyly.  
  
"Well, Miss Van Horn, I'm pretty van horny for you!" Javy flirted, licking his lips.  
  
Jasmine giggled playfully and grabbed him by the waist, letting her hand slide down further. "Let's not disturb the happy couple," she suggested provocatively.  
  
Andruw and Bill laughed boisterously, then kissed. "Enough of the P.D.A!" teased Gary, holding Vinny's hand.  
  
"Hypocrite," laughed Andruw.  
  
"Andruw, have you seen Barry lately?" asked Gary.  
  
"Yeah. He's over by the cake and gifts." Andruw smiled.  
  
"Thanks!" Gary walked over to Barry. "Hey, I was talking to a couple over there and they were kind of rude."  
  
"Who, those people?" gestured Barry, pointing to a couple that were looking suspicious.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Oh. Maddux told me to stay away from them. They're the Sczerbiaks, according to Greg, but they call themselves the Phillips. I think they're racist." Barry said in a soft voice so no one could hear him.  
  
"I've noticed more and more racism in baseball lately, and more gay rumors." muttered Gary.  
  
"Yeah, I know, especially about Mike Piazza!"  
  
"I don't care about him, but all the white guys get paid more. If I was white, I would make more money."  
  
"No kidding, me too," added Barry.  
  
"Well, I'll catch you later. I hear Vinny calling my name."  
  
Andruw and Bill laughed as they overheard Barry and Gary's conversation, then stopped abruptly as the Sczerbiaks approached them. "Congratulations," Kirk Sczerbiak said stiffly.  
  
"You don't mind if I, uh, videotape your reception, do you?" his wife Hope inquired furtively, her eyes scanning the scene.  
  
"No, not at all," Bill squeaked, nervously wondering how these people ended up at his wedding.  
  
"I hate being videotaped!" Greg chuckled, coming up to the couple. Then he saw the Sczerbiaks. "Ahh! The Sczerbiaks!" he screamed. Pushing them aside, he whispered frantically into Andruw's ear, "Stay away from these people! They're bad news, I tell you! Bad!"  
  
"Uh, yeah," Andruw agreed politely. "Security!" Due to his celebrity status, he was advised to hire security to keep psychotic fans out. When the guards arrived, he asked, "Would you please escort this couple outside?"  
  
Kirk and Hope glared at Greg as they were led outside. "I'll see you in Illinois, Maddux!" threatened Kirk.  
  
Greg's eyes widened and he grew pale. "They're stalking me!"  
  
"Whatever, Greg," muttered Andruw.  
  
"That's what Susie and my kids say! But someday I'll show you that I'm right!"  
  
"Relax, Greg, this should be a happy time," Chipper laughed, appearing out of nowhere.  
  
"Oh! That reminds me!" Greg exclaimed. "Are you and Andruw related? I've always been meaning to ask you."  
  
Bill looked from the tall, wiry, American, Southern Chipper to his tan, Curacaoan, muscular husband and couldn't help but guffaw in scorn. "I don't think they are," he said sarcastically, "but I could be wrong."  
  
"I was just wondering," Greg shrugged, walking away.  
  
Todd Hundley, one of Bill's best men, stepped up onto a podium and called, "Could I have everybody's attention, please?"  
  
The entire room stopped talking except Rick Ankiel--like the Sczerbiaks, Rick had invited himself. Rick shouted, "Hey Todd, what are you batting now?"  
  
Todd, his face turning red, insisted, "I'm not getting enough playing time!" All the guests looked confused, and he hurriedly said, "I'd like to have a toast for Bill and Andruw. Let's wish them a long and happy marriage with their daughter Madison and the children they're going to adopt in the future!" The guests cheered and raised their wine glasses, including Matt the teenage babysitter.  
  
Andruw turned to Bill with a loving smile. "Suddenly, everything's so wonderful," he said softly. "I was never this happy until I met you!"  
  
(Andruw:) Imagine me and you  
  
(Bill:) I do  
  
(Andruw:) I think about you day and night  
  
(Bill:) It's only right  
  
(Greg:) To think about the girl you love  
  
And hold her tight  
  
(Susan:) So happy together  
  
(Gary:) If I should call you up  
  
Invest a dime  
  
(Vinny:) You say you belong to me  
  
And lose my mind  
  
(Javy:) Imagine how the world could be  
  
(Jasmine:) So very fine  
  
(Javy and Jasmine:) So happy together  
  
(Gladys:) I can't see me loving nobody but you  
  
(Gladys and Skip:) For all my life  
  
(Skip:) When you're with me baby the skies will be blue  
  
(Gladys and Skip:) For all my life  
  
(Terry:) Me and you and you and me  
  
No matter how they toss the dice  
  
It had to be  
  
(Analy:) The only one for me is you and you for me  
  
So happy together  
  
(Andruw:) I can't see me loving nobody but you  
  
(Bill:) For all my life  
  
(Gary:) When you're with me baby the skies will be blue  
  
(Vinny:) For all my life  
  
(Bobby:) Me and you and you and me  
  
(Leo:) No matter how they toss the dice  
  
It had to be  
  
(Matt:) The only one for me is you and you for me  
  
(Cassandra and Heather:) So happy together  
  
(Marcus Giles chirps the tune of the chorus)  
  
(Tom:) Me and you and you and me  
  
(John:) No matter how they toss the dice  
  
(Greg:) It had to be  
  
(Kirk Sczerbiak:) The only one for me is you and you for me  
  
(Greg:) Ehhhhh!  
  
(Madison:) So happy together  
  
(Chipper:) So happy together [Marcus Giles comes in and bahs]  
  
(Kevin:) How is the weather  
  
(John Schuerholz:) So happy together  
  
(Barry:) We're happy together  
  
(Keith and Julio:) So happy together  
  
(B.J.:) Happy together  
  
(Brian:) So happy together  
  
(Rick:) So happy together! 


	12. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
Rick Ankiel-While snowmobiling, Rick breaks his collarbone and loses any chance he ever had of regaining his control.  
  
Don Baylor-After being fired by the Cubs, he attempts to manage the Marlins' AA minor league team. However, he is unsuccessful and begins an acting career. His most famous role was the constipated busdriver on Milk of Magnesia commercials.  
  
Henry Blanco-Due to contract issues, Henry is forced to play in an independent league. There, he meets Christina Applegate and the two are married in Baja California.  
  
Barry Bonds-Barry falls one homer short of tying Hank Aaron's home run record because he is run over by Rick Ankiel's snowmobile and refuses to see a doctor whom he claims is racist. He dies soon afterwards of causes unknown.  
  
Gladys Weinre Caray-Gladys divorces Skip to marry a newly single Paul McCartney who left his wife Heather after learning that she sold the rights to other Beatles songs to Michael Jackson.  
  
Skip Caray-After the divorce, Skip gets hair implants in an attempt to regain his lost youth. Skip becomes a spokesperson for Just for Men.  
  
Vinny Castilla-Vinny retires after the 2002 season to spend more time with his family. He and Gary get married at the same church as Andruw and Bill, who are their best men and their child's godparents.  
  
Bobby Cox-Bobby abandons managing after a 52-110 season in 2005. He and Leo Mazzone start their street band and play at the corner of Peach Street in Atlanta.  
  
Julio Franco-Becomes the first Mexican baseball player to retire and become a famous Mexican rapper. His hit song, Ju$t h¡t the d@mn B@$eb@!! starts a new music fad in Mexico.  
  
Rafael Furcal-Rafael takes over the Viagra spokesperson job from Rafael Palmeiro who quits after his wife divorces him and blackmails him.  
  
Brian Giles-He and Marcus team up for a remake of Sugar Sugar, which knocks Julio Franco's single out of the number one spot, which prompts Gary Sheffield to call it racism.  
  
Marcus Giles-He and his wife Tracy become infamous for naming their children after European capitals: London, Paris, Vienna, Vaduz, Berlin, Rome, and Oslo. Twenty years later, they are sued by those same children for emotional trauma. The courts throw the case out.  
  
Tom Glavine-He is inducted into the Hall of Fame and buys Disney and the Wisconsin Dells. He renames the Anaheim Angels the Anaheim Glavines.  
  
Chris Hammond-After giving up a run in a ballgame, he commits suicide by standing in front of the batting practice machine.  
  
Andruw Jones-Andruw breaks Barry Bonds' single season home run record by hitting 80 in 2003 for the Cincinnati Reds.  
  
Chipper Jones (no relation to Andruw)-He stages a coup and takes over the office of baseball commissioner. Then he helps his good friend Eric Snow of the Philadelphia 76ers do the same for the NBA. David Stern and Bud Selig disappear mysteriously while many people claim to have seen them along with Elvis.  
  
Madison Jones-Madison becomes a shoe model for her own line of shoes.  
  
Keith Lockhart-Keith becomes involved in a cult of people who model their lives after the ancient Egyptians.  
  
Cassandra Lopez-In 2015, Cassandra becomes the first female NFL player and wins 10 consecutive MVP's and Super Bowl rings from her rookie season to her retirement. She plays for the Chicago Bears for all ten years.  
  
Heather Lopez-Shortly after graduating from college, she marries Matt Nowitski (her former babysitter) and buys Enron.  
  
Javy Lopez-He becomes one of the oldest catchers, retiring at age 43 years and 17 days. After that, he coaches the Dodgers to a World Series win against the Orioles.  
  
Greg Maddux-In an ironic twist of fate, he is retraded to the Cubs, who are now coached by Kirk Sczerbiak. He is forced to be caught by Javy Lopez and never wins more than 6 games in 2 seasons. His story is told in a different novel.  
  
Jason Marquis-Jason retires to Connecticut and converts to Amish. He becomes the CEO of the Amish furniture factory.  
  
Leo Mazzone-When not performing in his street band, Leo pitches in a seniors league and runs Downtown Bingo. His favorite pastime is scaring children on Halloween with his angry baseball mask.  
  
Kevin Millwood-Kevin learns Japanese cuisine and becomes a well-respected chef; his knife of choice is a Braves tomahawk. His recklessness with knives leads to many unfortunate accidents, leading to the discovery that he is a hemophiliac.  
  
Damian Moss-Damian returns to his native Australia and becomes an environmentalist who campaigns to save the Great Barrier Reef.  
  
Bill Mueller-He requests a trade to the Reds in 2003 so he and Andruw can be together. They settle in Cincinnati with Madison (whom he jointly adopts) and Springfield, their adopted son.  
  
Matt Nowitski (the babysitter)-He marries Heather Lopez and becomes president in 2026. He is the first Whig president since the 1800's. Using his political power, he has the Titanic reconstructed for a private cruise with Heather.  
  
Mike Piazza-After hitting .190, he retires and afterwards, is openly gay. One of his more famous boyfriends is Cris Judd, ex-husband of Jennifer Lopez. They break up after someone calls Cris "Mr. Piazza."  
  
Analy Lopez-Pendleton-After Heather becomes First Lady, she takes charge of Enron. In one year, she becomes a billionaire; she uses her money to try and get revenge on Javy but President Nowitski threatens to press charges.  
  
Terry Pendleton-He retires from being a hitting coach after the Braves' 52- 110 season to become an inspirational speaker. Most of his speeches are written by Analy, who refuses to let him retire from working.  
  
Jimmy Rollins-Jimmy turns out to be the best shortstop in baseball history with 500 career home runs and 15 straight Gold Glove awards with 500 stolen bases.  
  
Brooke Russell-Brooke becomes a famous architect without any help from her famous father and declines to design the new Titanic even thought President Nowitski asks her personally.  
  
Morgan Russell-Morgan uses her father to get close to attractive athletes such as Derek Jeter and Bobby Hill, then becomes a reclusive author who lives in Northern Wisconsin. Her first work was a tell-all book about Greg Maddux that ruined his career (of course, his shoddy performance also helped her father, Greg Maddux, ruin his career by himself).  
  
John Schuerholz-John resigns after the 2005 season (52-110) and becomes a reclusive hippie. He smuggles pot from Mexico and refuses to watch any sporting event.  
  
Hope Sczerbiak-Her story is told in a later novel.  
  
Kirk Sczerbiak-Same as above.  
  
Gary Sheffield-He adopts a child with Vinny and devotes his time to knitting socks for homeless children.  
  
Joe Simpson-Joe continues to announce for the Braves even after Skip leaves and the Braves stop winning and dies peacefully in his home.  
  
John Smoltz-Smoltz buys a cabin on the Lake of the Woods in Minnesota and becomes a hunter and fisherman. His beard grows three feet before his death.  
  
Sammy Sosa-Sammy is traded to the New York Mets and is responsible for sending Smoltz into retirement after being the first man to hit for the cycle in one inning.  
  
B.J. Surhoff-After a midlife crisis, B.J. discovers his love of animals and becomes a veterinarian specializing in repairing ligaments such as anterior cruciate ligaments.  
  
Steve Torrealba-Steve becomes the Jason Sehorn of baseball. In other words, he models underwear and is asked to pose in Playgirl.  
  
Jasmine Van Horn-After marrying Javy Lopez, she discovers her long lost cousin Keith Van Horn and they read to kids in the NBA Read to Achieve program.  
  
Susan Wood-Her story is told in a later novel. 


End file.
